I don’t know that this makes a good poem, but it did, I think, have therapeutic value. Know thyself. That’s what Socrates says, anyway. It’s a big job, it turns out.
I am outside on a clear day; in woods,
or by water, birdsong everywhere,
music and good drink, with someone
who loves me, or in a community
of deep connection, feeling that
even in solitude.
Missing all or any of the above,
or, generally, the destructive
tendencies in human beings,
warfare, an uninhabitable planet:
I’m afraid of these things.
I’m in a constant struggle
in order to quell desire, and
I often, but not always, fail.
And yet, the greed of billionaires
makes me want to puke.
Arrogance. Entitlement.
And yet, I admire Taylor
Swift–but not because she’s rich,
and not because she’s the
greatest songwriter ever,
but because she’s good.
I buy a lot of records for $30 a pop
that I could stream over and over
forever along with a million
other artists for $15 a month.
I am looking inward,
responding to these questions
while my wife practices
piano–I’m not anxious.
People have abused the virtue
of creating “safe spaces” to
the level of cliché.
Withholding, not lying,
is my chief dishonesty,
although I lied to my wife
once and I still feel that pain.
I don’t smile with my teeth,
I grin; my teeth aren’t ugly
or anything–but smiling
with them, I think, would be.
I despise Donald Trump.
I like my men to be like women;
I like my women to be like men.
That’s not entirely true, but close.
I say “not necessarily” too often.
The greatest love of my life–
it would be odd if it wasn’t my wife
of 38 years. I was a happy child;
I remember next to nothing else,
that contentedness, that playfulness.
It’s always been strange to me
why I am not talented at any other
instrument, like guitar, or piano.
I might learn that I actually had
that talent if I could just commit
the time and energy to learning.
I’d like to be less selfish.
I will have left things of value,
music, books, one good human
being. I’d like to come back as
an Oak Tree–a giant one.
I’m happy here, thank you.
I sometimes ask myself,
if the house were burning down,
what one possession would I save:
my laptop contains a record
of my entire existence, nearly.
To live without love or joy:
abject misery. Anyone who pens
two poems every day for 30 days
must either be a glutton for punishment
or a person whose favorite occupation
is writing. When I retired, the staff gifted
me with one of those word clusters
made up of adjectives my colleagues
had contributed to describe me.
Nouns: Thought. Humor. Passion.
Are those “marked” characteristics?
Do others see this immediately?
At least one respondent called me
a “lover,” and I am not sure why.
My best friends in the world
are available to me.
Beckett, Barthelme, Lux,
Morrison, Nietzsche, Oliver,
Proust, Robinson, Rumi,
Shakespeare, Shields, Stafford,
Vonnegut, Wallace, Whitman.
Call me Ishmael. Call me Mary.
Call me Jimmy. I like my son’s name,
otherwise, I would not have
given it to him–isn’t it always
true that people
name their children with their
favorite names? Emerson.
I’m also quite fond of my own,
the demon destroyer.
I am intolerant of intolerance
and hypocrisy. I regret nothing,
not even the stupidest shit I
have ever done, the dumbest
of which eventually brought
me right here, which is not
a bad place to be. Let me die
quickly but not violently or
painfully. That’s all.
Do what you love
and the money will follow, or,
there may not be any money
but you will not have wasted
your time. This is it, people.
More consciousness in your monitor.
For reference, here is a list of the questions that appear in the famous Proust Questionnaire:
- What is your idea of perfect happiness?
- What is your greatest fear?
- What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
- What is the trait you most deplore in others?
- Which living person do you most admire?
- What is your greatest extravagance?
- What is your current state of mind?
- What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
- On what occasion do you lie?
- What do you most dislike about your appearance?
- Which living person do you most despise?
- What is the quality you most like in a man?
- What is the quality you most like in a woman?
- Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
- What or who is the greatest love of your life?
- When and where were you happiest?
- Which talent would you most like to have?
- If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
- What do you consider your greatest achievement?
- If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
- Where would you most like to live?
- What is your most treasured possession?
- What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
- What is your favorite occupation?
- What is your most marked characteristic?
- What do you most value in your friends?
- Who are your favorite writers?
- Who is your hero of fiction?
- Which historical figure do you most identify with?
- Who are your heroes in real life?
- What are your favorite names?
- What is it that you most dislike?
- What is your greatest regret?
- How would you like to die?
- What is your motto?
michael jarmer 